EOTY 2024: the storm, the calm, and the still small voice
2024, you came, you saw, but you did not conquer; you can see, I am not dead.
The year started with a bag filled with optimism, but momentarily, it felt too heavy to carry. Watching 2024 play from January until now, I’ve realised that things change in insignificant ways until they become a shadow of their old self. Either good or bad, if you do not take the time to pause and evaluate periodically, you might be fighting for something already gone. In this review, I wouldn’t take you through months, but feelings.
Breathe.
Takeaway
The biggest lesson life decided I was ready to learn is,
“No one is entitled to any part of you for any more time than you are comfortable sharing yourself.”
Funny cause I learnt this in reverse, you’re not entitled to people’s time, resources or love. You would hurt, but you will heal. If I keep writing, I’ll probably quote the entirety of Miles Carter, “If you decide to leave someone.” You can read it here
Forgiveness
I’ve been an active participant in forgiving this year, forgiving myself tops the list. You’d think it’s a one-and-done process until you wake up one Tuesday morning by 6 am, bitterness fills your heart, and your stomach is in a coil. If you’re like me, you’d pray and recite the fruits of the spirit, but realising it’s a conscious decision puts when the Bible says 77 x 7 in perspective.
This C. S. Lewis quote has found a home in my head
“No man knows how bad he is till he has tried very hard to be good. A silly idea is current that good people do not know what temptation means. This is an obvious lie. Only those who try to resist temptation know how strong it is. After all, you find out the strength of the German army by fighting against it, not by giving in. You find out the strength of a wind by trying to walk against it, not by lying down. A man who gives in to temptation after five minutes simply does not know what it would have been like an hour later. That is why bad people, in one sense, know very little about badness — they have lived a sheltered life by always giving in. We never find out the strength of the evil impulse inside us until we try to fight it: and Christ, because He was the only man who never yielded to temptation, is also the only man who knows to the full what temptation means — the only complete realist.”
Forgiveness is hard, especially when you know that, given the exact circumstances, you would not do the same. When it seems my chest can no longer hold on and my arms cannot extend grace, I remember that above quote. It helps. I met someone I had a fallout with in ’22. We spoke, and it was good. A lot of fingers were pointed, but it was good. Sometimes I am the one in need of forgiveness, and all I can do is hope (after apologising and a changed behaviour of course).
Love
lmaooooooo.
Work
Well, nothing much happened with work this year. But this is a story that is still unravelling. I will tell you about it when we come full circle. I’m ending this year, not being attached to any employer. That is a fancy way to say I’m unemployed, but that makes sense because I just moved countries. I’ve been thinking about what next, and I now know where I want to go, what I want to do, and who I want to become, so watch out for me.
Audacity
The pinnacle of my year was Hearts and Ink. I’ve probably said those words more than I’ve said any other thing this year. It’s interesting because that’s the most audacious thing I’ve done since my eyes saw lights at the hospital. From conception to planning and execution across two continents, I’m elated. Numerous times, I had the opportunity to cancel for genuine reasons, but I’m glad I saw it through.
I’ve been talking with people about ’25 and my heart is like a little boy on the morning of boxing day — bubbling with anticipation. “These words are meant to be felt,” and you will feel it.
Try to finish things, even if it flops, especially when it flops — see it through.
Love
Okay, let’s be serious. There’s not much to say here other than a relationship ended. And Yeah. I used to think I knew how to do this love thing, maybe I was wrong. In The Perks of Being a Wallflower, Mr Anderson says, “We accept the love we think we deserve.” What I have to say to that is “real.”
While speaking to a friend over Facetime I mentioned how tired I am and how I don’t want something I need to fight for. To beg to be loved correctly, to plead to be considered, to convince someone to stay.
For a large chunk of my adult life (not very large, I’m still a baby boy), I’ve always assumed how people felt about me and I was/am often wrong. I want to know.
Anyway, it’s calm.
Not about love
This year, relationships began and ended. Some have been altered forever. While there are some I still don’t know what to do with, there are others I wish would blossom. The passage of time has and will continue to reveal all things.
God
My daddy, my daddy. This year, I’m grateful for fellowship. To be able to carry my cares and worries to him and be at peace. I usually say the author of my salvation a lot, but understanding this takes my mind to a point of unadulterated adoration. I’m in awe of his grace and I’m nothing without his mercies. And like I’ll randomly say, “God is good.”
This year I knew God as a comforter. Numerous times I’ll go on my knees and the only thing on my lips are prayers asking God to still my heart. I’m always going, “You said I should cast all my worries for you care, so this this this …” If you offended me this year, I’ve reported you. When battling with contradictions and feeling unworthy, “who the son sets free is free indeed,” and “what can separate us from the love of Christ…” comes in clutch always, like a still small voice.
Realisations
I like myself a lot, my mum likes looking for my trouble(cute). I love my family and there’s plenty of love at home. I’ve known these things for a minute, but I’m rediscovering them. I love people. I’m not the most present person, but I’ll always show up. Maybe I shouldn’t try to make everyone happy. It’s okay for people to walk away, and I do likewise. Like I said earlier,
“ No one is entitled to any part of you for any more time than you are comfortable sharing yourself,”
and this is valid too, even when I’m on the receiving end.
I love to buy food for people. I don’t think I did that as I would have loved to this year, but I did a bit. “I love you, I want you to eat well.” I figured out my genotype this year (pretty irresponsible of me not to know all this while). I’m AA and I don’t know what to do with that information.
Sometimes, I’m the architect of my misfortune, but grace abounds to all and I’m included in that number.
I’m Seuncaleb, Omo ìfẹ́, and these words are meant to be felt.
