I’m bad with titles the same way we never had one
There is this thing called a pedestal and I put you on it. In my eyes you are perfect, incapable of wrong; your essence is what I imagine God saw when he looked at his creation and said it was beautiful. You are infallible. I do not overlook your flaws; if there is one, in whatever shape or form it exists, I’m not aware of it. I look at you and see the blueprint of a perfect world. Yes, I did it. I gave you my heart with no restraints. You had access to every room, every corner, every safe. I let you in with total surrender. I never let anyone in. You were a prize in my eyes.
At first, it was slow. Your reply to my messages was good, then I wanted to hear your voice all the time, and then I wanted to see your face every other second. A little crack in the dam, and now the whole city is flooded. I leapt without looking at how deep this was. I was falling, but I was falling alone. Was there a time when I wasn’t a bother? Did we have a moment you hold dear? Your disdain is profound, your love, silent.
You never allowed me to know you beyond the surface. Every piece of information about you I got with toil and sweat. I climbed the walls and you built them higher. Even with my heart on my sleeves you never laid down your hair so I could climb up to you. I never knew you intimately, right? Is that truly your favourite show? Do you honestly prefer Pringle’s Onion & cheese to the original?
I was always eager to tell you how my day went, and you kept a timer on how long I was allowed to talk to you. “Thirty minutes is up. I have to go,” you would say. But I left the function early to catch you before bed. You broke my heart into a million pieces and I’ve loved you with every fragment. But you never did. It took me a while to realise I loved you for the both of us. I called you home, but I was that cheap motel you booked while backpacking through Europe.
It has always been me fighting. I fought to keep us from breaking. My door was wide open when you walked away; I sat outside and waited for your return. Every time you want to leave, I give you a reason to stay knowing I would have to do this in another couple of months. In all these, I do not wish to do life without you. If your presence begets the same pain as your absence, where do I put all the love bubbling in my chest?
It reminds me of this Persian poem, “ If I tell of the sorrows in my heart, it will burn my tongue. If I keep it in my heart, I’m afraid it will burn from the inside. If I let it out, I fear it will burn the whole world. I cannot let it out, so I let my sorrows stay inside.”
Love does not come with a safety belt or an airbag to save you when it crashes. You get in the car and hope for the best. All I wanted was to hear you say my name with I love you right after. I have never been a man riddled with luck.
End
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