On Days Like This, I Feel Worthless
The bell had rang for break time, and I stood in front of the class. It’s four walls held the aroma of different meals, and our pale yellow wall had charts pinned on them. We had the human respiratory system, digestive system, multiplication table, and an infographic of some sort. By the side was a shelf for books, another for bags, and a last one to house our lunch boxes.
I walked around the class and cracked jokes, and the class erupted in laughter. Unknowingly stunting their young white teeth and soiling their school uniform with stew from their homemade rice, they were mesmerized by comic prowess. I was at the peak of my confidence game, and if someone ever said it was going to go down from there, I’d have screamed witch.
I don’t know where it started, but those young, innocent souls who laughed at my jokes went their different ways for secondary school, and I also met new people. A young boy who sang with glee and danced without rhythm met with a harsh reality-no one cares. I stood outside with a few of my classmates waiting for dinner when they said they wanted to form a band.
I was excited; it sounded like fun. Without hesitation or care in the world, I signified my interest. The mockery that trailed left me in a state of despair; for the first time in my life, my ability to do something was under microscopic review, and I was failing. In a bid to restore my already crumbling ego, I decided to sing. Till today I still hear their voices. I made people laugh until I became the bottom of the jokes.
I was bruised but not obliterated. That event started the snowball effect of no’s. Probably I’d gotten no’s before then, but I began to notice it. I saw the shock in their eyes when I showed interest in something-the disbelief in my ability to perform. Not a single chance got handed to me, and those I managed to take got snatched before I could realize I got them.
I never got picked to play ball, and when I got picked, I came in last. I was part of the batch no team wanted, but someone had to take. During discussions, when it was my turn to speak, people used that time like recess. I’d be blatantly ignored and talked over. Social activities became a nightmare, and I found myself fading into the background. Volunteering felt like tiny needles pricking at my skin, and interactions were exhausting.
I changed school, and my crippled ego healed, but the effect lingers. I second guess decisions and find a thousand reasons to doubt myself. I don’t feel good enough for anything. I’m continually telling myself there is a looming danger waiting to happen if everything is going smoothly. And when I get something I want, I can’t act because I feel I’m not deserving of it.
Other days I’m an energy house of positivity, and the world feels conquerable until I hear them laughing again. It becomes overwhelming, and the weight wouldn’t let me swim to safety. Because of these events, I find myself asking questions at the slightest sight of confusion. Why did you say that? What do you mean? Would this work out? Why are you taking so long to reply? Why this? Why that?
Since these questions never seem to have a satisfactory answer, I assume the worst, and the umbrella of sadness covers my heart. The trick is simple; if it’s not clear, it’s not going to pan out well. Therefore start feeling bad now, so when the time comes, you’re closer to healing. It never works, but it’s what I do.
There is a constant need for validation, but zero motivation to work for this said validation. So when I’m able to muster little strength to do something I deam grand, and It doesn’t get the necessary applause, I’m thrown back into feeling inadequate.
My childhood experience may have nothing to do with it. But I’m tired. I want to be able to feel confident in my abilities. I want to hold conversations without feeling the person would get bored with my presence and constant rants. I want to stop feeling that the people I love would wake up to the realization that I’m too much. I’m tired of my mind, constantly analyzing patterns and thinking something is off somewhere.
I’m not sick, depressed, or anything. I’m just tired.
