Now that we’ve come to the end of the road, what next?
One of my closest friends blocked me, and because I don’t know how to deal with loss, I’m writing about it. We’ve not spoken since the presidential election (no, this has nothing to do with Tinubu), but I often take a peek at all their social media pages to see if they’re doing alright. I checked today, and it was clear that our time together had come to an end.
I’m not going to paint myself as the best person to kindle the flames of friendship with. More often than not, I falter. I could take a little longer to reply to texts, and I might miss a few calls. My shoulders are not always there to lean on, and my hands are sometimes slow to wipe your tears away. But I love my friends. If I’ve ever called you friend, I love you. This hurts.
So tonight I’m reminded of everyone who walked out, those who did not linger around the door. The friends who I thought were forever, but now I know I’d never get to hear their smile through the phone or see the light in their eyes when it rests on me. I’ll never hear the little details of their day, and I can’t yell at them to get something to eat. The world is cruel, and friends add colors to gloomy days.
I write because I don’t know what to do with all these emotions dancing in my belly. On the 15th of September, 2022, I scheduled a call with a friend for 11:30 am the next day. The sun rose, and her phone rang, but there was no response. There were several sunrises and sunsets after that with no word, or call. On the 5th of March, 2023, I got a message saying, “I miss you, and I love you.” I don’t know how to reconcile that with absence.
Losing a friend is like drowning, it burns. I hate how we couldn’t work things out. So I’m here shuffling through memories, reading texts for the last time, and contemplating deleting pictures while smiling because we had the best of times. Holding on is breaking me way more than I’m ready to admit.
But I guess every story has an end. Some come together with a pleasant kiss on the cheek and leave your face littered with smiles, while others end abruptly. Endings are not always beautiful, and goodbyes are not assured. I miss you, and I hope you are well. I hope the world is kind to you. I hope people remember you do not like onions in your salad.
I’m lost and confused. God, please make everything okay. It’s one thing to lose someone, it’s a different kind of hell to never get to say goodbye.
I hope you’re happy. If we could turn back time I’d be your friend all over again, I wouldn’t change anything. I hope people listen to you passionately talk about women and your love for fictional men. Lastly, the Lord bless and keep you, the Lord make his face shine on you, and be gracious to you.
So, just like that, I’m meant to do life without you?
