The Day Joseph knew
(a Christmas parody)
“I’m pregnant Joseph and, no! We did not fuck” Mary sent the text to Joseph as her hands trembled in anticipation of his response. Sweat slid down her forehead through the pathing of her brows, down to the corner of her lips and eventually landed on the floor. It’s been 3 months since they got engaged and the wedding had been fixed already, invitation letters had found themselves on the dining table of each guest and cancelling would be a disaster.
“Lol all these yarns na Okoto meow kututu meow skrrr, you’re joking, better get ready, we’re going to Farm city” Joseph’s reply popped up on her phone screen. The man had been out of town since he proposed and would be seeing his fiancé for the first time in 3 months. Knowing Mary to be the gentle and faithful woman that she was, he was sure it was all a joke. Like the time she pranked him that she had gone blind or when she pretended she misplaced their wallet after they went out to a restaurant for dinner.
Mary looked at her bulging stomach and robbed her hands around it. She grabbed the remaining piece of shawarma and ate. The cravings that came with pregnancies had no respect for time or place. That was her third meal that day and it wasn’t even 2 pm yet.
It’s been 2 hours since Joseph text came in, Mary had tried all her clothes trying to hide her baby bump. Each gown or shirt just seemed to scream “look I have a baby inside of me”. Eventually, she gave up and wore one of Joseph’s big shirt and sat on her couch waiting patiently. “Last last he would say he’s not doing again,” she thought to herself as she strolled through Joros page and read the atrocities people did to their spouses or partners. ”if he says he’s not doing again, I can die o, ” she spoke to herself.
Someone banged on the door and Mary was brought back to reality. “Who goes there ?” She screamed at the top of her voice. “ Ogbeni open door you always they think say you dey PH” Joseph mocked from outside. She ran to open the door and as she did, she jumped on him, giving him a tight hug” he placed his arms around her and hugged her too. “I’ve missed you Jojo” she whispered in his ears and he laughed “when did you start calling me jojo biko” he held her waist while still laughing.
His hands found his way to her belly and he could feel the bulge. “You’ve started drinking beer ?” He examined her stomach, he placed one hand on her shoulders and the other robbed her belly. “So what’s your favourite brand? Star? Gulder? Budweiser?” He mocked her playfully.
“Joseph I’m pregnant, no cap,” she pushed his hands away and clasped her hands together to hide her stomach.
“ I know na, with beer “ the excitement in his voice, dropped to an all-time low.
“Joseph an angel appeared to me and said I’ll carry the child of God and this is the result of that encounter,” she went further to explain but Joseph wasn’t having it.
“Are you whining me ni? Or do I look like I’m wearing diapers” ?” Joseph paces around the room with his hands clenched into a fist.
“Mary you’ve not knacked all your life, you cannot wait how many more months. Omo, you fall my hand o “ Mary tried to hold him, to reason with him but Joseph’s anger increased with every word she said. Nothing she said sounded realistic or plausible she was definitely on her own.
“Joseph, I need you to believe me !!” She screamed at the top of her voice. She fell to the floor and sobbed. The impact cracked the screen of her phone. Joseph folded his arms as he stood in the corner of the room, his mouth curved, and his legs tapped the ground repeatedly. He was pissed to his marrow. “Just call your father, your mother and tell them I no do again, since you want to dobo up and down, continue”, he hissed and stormed out of the house.
Mary cried her eyes out and went down on her knees to pray. “ God na your pikin I carry so o, better give Joseph brain “
